Have you heard the screaming? You have? Well, sorry, but I just couldn't contain myself anymore.
I am feeling overwhelmed and fried beyond compare again. I take spells like this where I don't know if it will ever pass or not, if I should go and see my doctor for a physical or if I should just break down and ask for some anti-depressants. I can't seem to get ahead of it anymore. I'm still clawing for solid ground while getting pulled down by the undertow. And the worst part is...this has been going on for so very long now, with no end in sight. I'm tired. So very tired.
I think this time the fatigue comes from the stress of my daughter's recent illness and hospitalization. The doctors, three of them, never could get their heads together for an agreement on the diagnosis, but two out of three of them decided it was meningitis. They all three decided that she had to at least be treated as such, but because of the uncertainty of the final diagnosis, it left her with an urgent desire to get out of the hospital and ready to get on with her life and running. It also left her rather curt with physicians that were only working in her best interest and trying to save her life. She couldn't see it that way and couldn't understand why she had to remain in the hospital when she finally got her fevers down from the 103s and 104s and when she was finally able to get rid of the migraines that came as a result.
The lumbar puncture (aka spinal tap) came back with a terrible infection in it but yet was "clean" and so they had to do tests for days before they let her out. When they finally did, it was on the condition that she continue to come to the hospital everyday for IV antibiotic therapy for 11 days. She was, shall we say, less than enthusiastic about this. It was mentally draining to have to work with her on this. It was also embarrassing to have to see the way she spoke to the doctors after she'd had no sleep for two nights. It wasn't that I didn't understand, and she did apologize to one of the doctors, but it will still be strange for me to see this physicians the first few times at the hospital when I return to work. It'll pass, true enough, but still...
And then, the hospital has screwed up her schedule, the payment system, and everything else, which just amplifies everything worse...so that adds to the stress of everything, making me worry that she won't continue with the treatment that will keep her alive.
Add to this the test that I've got on Monday that could make or break this new job. It could also make or break providing safe care for a patient.
Then there is the fact that I just don't feel good. I mean I just don't feel right. I am feeling lethargic almost all the time, even when I get enough sleep, which seldom happens, true enough, but still...I feel exhausted all the time. I can't get a good night's sleep in the bed, and our new bed is now not going to be delivered for another 5 weeks or so.
I worry about money, Pat's health, my mother's health, getting the rest of this house finished...which I might as well give up on...heck...I will NEVER get even the door knobs on the closet or the doors put up that I've had for YEARS! Much less, the rest of the interior painted, so therefore, I can kiss off ever being able to clean out the craft room and being able to do my oil painting again. I might as well just get rid of the supplies for it and the easel.
Okay, I've vented now. Well, I have to go and study. Not that I am retaining anything, but I have to go and give it the good old college try.
